Evaluate Life

"Let's evaluate my life."

It's the new line Kylee and I bounce back and forth.

What am I doing wrong? Why is everything like this?

And of course we get a real kick out of the situation we're in. It's pathetic mostly...something you'd laugh at, until it happens to you... or to your best friend.

We normally end the conversation with... we should probably do something to their house... or junk punch them. And since that never really happens, we get over it.

Life is stressful. Even when everything seems perfect one second, there's new curve ball.

My heart was about to eat itself in sacrament meeting today. It was like a war inside my rib cage, tearing every different direction. I am literally so stressed, that I felt physical pain. I sometimes just think and don't listen to my heart, other times all I do is feel and override what's practical. The real problem comes when I focus on the short-term happiness and not long-term. And then an even bigger problem arises when I don't know parts of the long-term. 

AHHH!

Just scream with me! ajksldjf

Mysteries will unfold.

Jesus Christ is my savior.

I can do hard things.

I pulled out my pen in church to write out how I felt.

After a page. I calmed down.

And then the attack was back.

I could've just keeled over and died at that moment.

Do I blow it all the time, or what?

I mean I even ripped my favorite jeans last night

How? Dancing. Goodness.

The Savior has felt my stress...

My pain of stress today comes from not knowing.

But I know that He knows.

And that everything will be for the better.

No matter what happens.

I just want everyone to be happy. And I feel like I can really affect a lot of people's happiness if I'm not careful. I want everyone to be happy. 

I need to go about it the right way, by NOT thinking at all about my happiness.

We're always learning and going through trials.

And sometimes it's overwhelming.

Right now my trial seems to be not knowing what I just want to know and thinking that not knowing could be something more than it is. And knowing what I feel right now, but not what I feel in the future. So I have to just let life sort itself out. But that makes me feel pressured to make just the right decisions to affect everyone I love and want in my life evenly, when in reality, I might be making a mistake there too.

Who the heck knows.

NOT me!!!

All I can do is pray.

And do better.

I do not know.

That is the problem.

I want to know.

And I don't.

We will just have to see.

I have finally realized one of my biggest weaknesses.

Finally... you'd think I would've seen it before.

I saw part of it.

Now I see it all.

Lauren = IDIOT time & time again.

And I will pray my guts out until that becomes a strength.

It took me WAY too long to see it.

And I want to be strong.

Stronger, stronger, stronger.

Besides reevaluating and doing better...

I love where my life is right now.

I love that this semester is almost over.

I had a WEIRD semester.

I dated a guy that I actually really liked. :( 

I failed tests. 

I dated people who showed me the time of my life.

I had amazing things happen to me.

I got another job.

I was given freaking laxative brownies.

I liked guys who could care less.

I went to an IWA dance.

I went to temple lights.

I moved in with friends, that I'll never live with again.

I got promoted.

I went home for Thanksgiving.

I went to a hotel.

My relationships went deeper.

I cried, I laughed, I screamed and yelled.

I smiled, I joked, I danced, I prayed.

I had some stupid moments, 

but never had a bad day.

I loved this semester.

I became friends with people I absolutely love.

My dreams are starting to come true.

I love that I can lay in bed with my best friends and laugh all night and all day.

I love that gentleman will take us out and give us hope.

I love that I can be happy single, that's the first time I can say that one.

I love that I am moving to a new home... where I will have space to breathe.

I love that I am learning and working.

I love that I have goals to strive for.

I just love this life.