I can!

For weeks I cried myself to sleep, I cried myself through panics, I cried on the inside and out. For weeks I was unhappy. I went to the temple, in search of what really makes me happy??? I was looking for the answer, I was praying for the answer, I saw the sunlight and danced with my best friend one day... that made me happy. I read my old letters and journals, and that made me happy. But then I just wasn't happy all the time. I was so blessed, but I wasn't happy.

My emotions were controlled. It was exhausting, depressing.

Well, God answers prayers in ways that I would never expect. And that is a testimony to me that I need to let Him guide my life instead of try doing it my own way.

I looked ahead at my life... thinking there's nothing that would make me more sad than loosing that special someone close to me, there's nothing that would make me feel more alone and scared if I was dumped.

Wednesday night, that happened. Wednesday night is the first night I didn't cry myself to sleep. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday... no tears.

It's not that I haven't wanted to cry. It's not that I haven't wanted to be sad. It's that God brought me to this trial and He will get me through it. I have faith in His plan that it is all meant to be. And if I know God is going to bring me through my hardest trials and darkest hours, then I have no reason to cry and no reason to be sad. 

The worst is over for that trial and now I just want to say GIVE THESE MOUNTAINS!!! GIVE ME THESE CHALLENGES. I am stronger. I experienced things I never thought would happen in my life. I went to three doctors in the last two weeks, I have never called my mother more times in a day, I had to quit my job, lose my boyfriend... but all of it is not a loss to me... it is a gain. I have gained the strength to know when I need time for myself to figure things out. I have gained the strength to ask for help. I have gained the strength to share those personal struggles, that can only help someone else. And I have also gained a whole lot more vitamins to take ;) ... I am gonna make it guys.

And guess what? I'm happy. I am strong. I can do hard things!

In conference Henry B. Irying's talk was meant for me, I'm sure.

"Thy days are known and thy years shall not be numbered less. Fear not what man can do, for God will be with you forever and ever."

Trials will come and go. Relationships will end and begin. Health struggles will ail us. Financial stresses will bombard us. We will feel alone and scared. That is not of God. With faith in God, there is no reason to fear, no reason to feel alone.

The most alone I have ever felt in my life was in the month of March.

The most scared and low I ever felt was in the month of March.

I honestly thought it was my time to just be done with this life...

and for all the times I feared death as I was falling asleep, 

I feared just the opposite those nights... 

that I'd have to keep living in such pain and darkness.

But I never lost faith in God, just faith in myself.

I told myself I can't do this... I can't do this.

And God gave me exactly what I needed, 

when that is the last thing I thought I needed.

With God nothing is impossible.

With God we can do all things.

With God we can be happy.

Without faith in His plan, trust in His promises and belief that the Savior lives,

there would be no hope and happiness in my life.

.

How did I do it? How did I make myself stop being sad??

I prayed. And I moved on.

The basketball game was a fail.

But then I had my best friends Emilee and Kylee over.

And I went to bed smiling.

I have filled every single day with something exciting.

Intramural Volleyball game... I got a sweet scar on my stomach.

Went to class... and laughed the whole time.

Chick flick night with Matt.

Staying with Barbi!

Knocking doors with TJ.

Firehouse & Baseball game with John, Randall, Liz and Dave.

Backyard sleepover with Bryant, Ky and Austin.

Conference.

Afternoon BBQ.

Volleyball.

Hot tub.

Salt Lake trip.

Goochy-Poochy's.

AND A BEST FRIENDS BY MY SIDE THROUGH IT ALL.

Kylee Geisler, hasn't left my side.

Kylee Maughan and Barbi as well.

My mother, Brianna, Brooklyn, Grandparents.

People texting me, messaging me, calling me, visiting me.

I love you! You are angels in my life!!!

Now I can wake up and fall asleep without my heart feeling like it'll crack if I sit up to fast.

Now I can focus on my paper and homework. 

Now I can do my laundry, I can clean, I can eat.

Woo! I might even exercise.

This is hard, but I can't let one doubt get in my head that I can't do this.

And day by day, it'll get easier!!!

I can do it!!!

And I'm glad I have all of you to help me! 

THANK YOU!!!