Broken Heart

I have to say that the Lord works in mysterious ways. I have been going through hell the last week as my mind, heart and even blood battle. I have been scared to death at the thoughts I've been thinking, while my heart yearns for love and my blood just needs to keep getting vitamin D and iron Ha! 

I can't find happiness. 

For weeks I've been trying to remember, trying to find...

what makes me happy.

I get stomach aches of worry.

I get heart aches of pain.

And all the while, I've been chugging along.

Last week, it got ugly. It seems like the emotional stress of years hit me... and I would go into panics. I feel so weak. I went into panics, what? Why am I telling everyone this? you know... I want to be the strong one. But I haven't been. I've been wishing I was dead, wishing I was just lifted up to heaven because I felt like life was just too dang hard. I hope those feelings will leave me soon, they scare me... I love my life. Why am I thinking that?

I have never felt such physical pain in my heart, 

brought about my emotions.

I can't even explain to you what I have been feeling, 

what I have been going through.

I am weak.

And the final blow just hit me. I have been dumped..... which makes me feel insecure, lost and afraid. But, I can't blame him for it.

God has something better in store for both of us. 

And we must keep the faith.

I think that's the core of my issues, 

I want to truly be happy...

and you know what, that wasn't doing it for me.

I was so afraid of losing my biggest support, 

that I couldn't see how damaged I have become.

How much I changed myself and what I loved,

to be loved. That is stupid of me.

It took me all day to get out of bed. And when I finally did, I just wanted to crawl back in. I've been living in a cave for a week and I have to get out. I have to do my best, to be my best.

This isn't me. I'm happy. I'm the happiest person I know. Ha.

And I want to find that happiness again.

Until then I have to smile through the tears.

All I want to do right now is cry and sleep... not eat, not go to school. My health already has made me take a break from work. And I just feel like I can't go on. But as I kneel and sob to God, something inside of me forces me to stand up, forces me to walk forward. And now it will force me to move on.

I couldn't do this week without my heros. 

My mother and father.

My aunt Barbi and cousin Syd!

My sister Kylee and brother Luke.

My bosses.

My best friends Kylee and Chaunce.

Liz Lewis.

And a girl I miss so much, Emilee DeMie... 

for some reason I know, 

I just really need her right now.

I can't see it now... but things will get better. Right?

I want them to.

I have some bad days in a short time, but it has all taught me valuable lessons,

and brought me closer to my Savior.

We all face heartaches all the time.

Gotta remember, just as I'm trying to.

You are not alone, no matter how small and lonely you feel.