Trust

I write blogs sometimes. And I hide them. I hide them so no one can see my corniness. I hide them so no one can see specific names. I hide them because the words I meant no longer mean anything. And I hide them because sometimes I'm just plain embarrassed. 

This is a prime example, an excerpt from a blog last December. 

"Not only were there Christmas lights, but there was a large, beautiful, sparkling temple, that was brighter than all the lights around. I felt like I was in a fairytale. Standing by an amazing guy, walking where prophets have walked, seeing horse carriages prancing around Temple square and the glowing nativities.  

We walked around temple square and it was so beautiful. He's so thoughtful about spiritual things and pretty things. Making sure I was having the best time ever. It was like Christmas morning for me to see all the amazing lights and the glowing temple.

The night was perfect. It was cold. The moon was lit up, the stars were competing with the sparkling lights and bright snow. Under the brightly lit half moon, the starry sky and the cold winter night love was in the air. And over facing the full nativity he held me in his arms and looked at me in the eyes. I can't help but feel super nervous and probably looked away because this wasn't just one of those stupid kisses I've had before, or my first barely peck when I was sixteen, or some one sided relationship... this was special. He gave me my first kiss with him..."

Yeah. That same guy bet all his friends 100 bucks that if he took me to temple square he could kiss me. That same guy wrote the same incredible poem to three different girls. That same guy kissed the girl that my best friend loved, just to prove he could. That same guy is the fakest, most phony and deceiving individual I have ever met. And I fell for it.

That guy dangled everything I wanted right in my face.

Made me feel like I was princess.

Made me feel like I found someone who actually cared.

He acted interested in my life...

Until he was actually in it.

And he didn't mean any of it.

Ever since it's pretty easy for me to kiss that "hot guy" I've had a superficial crush on. Not saying I'm easy or have gone nuts, cuz I haven't, but honestly... when it comes to basically being disrespected by being available for some meaningless lip action, all emotions neglected, personality not appreciated... I've been there. 

(EXAMPLE OF HOT GUY I'D KISS)

Sometimes I've wanted more, but deep down knew there wasn't anything past the surface. And somehow I let myself be okay with that. 

I finally looked back realized it.

My non-commital make-outs have been long over.

There was hardly even any... only enough to say I'm stupid.

But the trust in someone who actually cares is long gone.

I'm a mess on the inside.

And I just now realized it.

I like to think trust easily.

And I do.
 But not when it comes to my heart.

Here I am wanting to fall in love and live my happily ever after. I believe in it and I believe he's out there. But every time I get close to liking someone who might actually care, I don't let myself trust it. I did, I let myself try to trust again. And within weeks the trust turned into heart-break. And bitterness. And then an attitude change of all my relationships to come.

I have been hurt. 

But I am strong enough to get over that.

I am discouraged, but will never give up.

All I know is I am no longer going to open my heart up for failure.

I'm willing to try and fail.

But I'm not going to try something that I can tell will fail.

No more.

Time.

Time to get to know me.

Time to get to know him.

Time to see it's not a show.

And then I will have trust.

Patience.

And someday I'll have it.

<3