Weak Point

I hate how much power people can have over your emotions. I hate it when you are denied and rejected, when you're just living life with good intentions. What a week. I hate it when apologies mean nothing, when words come out without thought, when you give your best effort and it's still not enough, it's friends, it's guys, it's girls, it's jobs, it's scholarships... it's life.

I don't like feeling weak. I don't like that muscle or-whatever it is, inside my brain that has to fight sad emotions off, keep the tear switch off. I want to be happy always, but sometimes people just have that effect. When the drama of this friend, competes with the drama of this friend, and this guy needs to talk, and this person wants to tell me about what happened there... my head just is spinning with confusion; what do I say, what do I keep secret, think think think before you speak, but speak now or hold it in. I don't want to contradict myself, I want to be the best person I can be, but sometimes people are just wrong and it's a war from person to person and war inside myself.

I love the girls in Utah. I seriously do. There are a few that could go back to their states, but I really have met some of the craziest, funniest and just good girls here. I have met amazing guys too, the ones who notice when your gaze into the fire is beyond looking at the starburst wrappers burn, the one who ask how I'm doing, tell me and treat me how I should be treated. 

And then there are the ones that play their tricky little charms, implant cupid's arrow into your tampered heart... and let it exit and re-enter again and again. Boys and their games, boys and their lack of thought, boys and their lack of feelings... and that is rejection. I've dealt with this clearly over the past months, and yeah, it sucks. But I've been powering through it. Only to be slapped in the face, figuratively, again and again. Just when I get my expectation moderately high, for things to at least semi go my way, they swivel quickly down until they hit rock bottom. It's hard to be surrounded by groups of people and feel completely invisible and lonely, but it happens. And I hate how weak I can get inside thinking that I'm not good enough, that I failed at something.

I will know somethings right when I find friends and relationships that make me feel like I'm worth something, that see me for who I am, that look at my flaws and accept me just the same. It takes patient and it takes trust, mistakes and heart breaks, but I'm holding strong to the ones I've got. And I've got a place I can always go to have a good time, the Blue Light House. All I need is a good dance is John's clothes with Megan, a good rockband sesh or a Randall/Jarod quote to make my sunshine keep shining. :)