Roller Coaster Of Love, Called Life.

The inevitable phases of love, in order to get your happy ending. 
As if I don't post about love enough... Sorry, I watched a love movie (my favorite) and this is what I thought about. The floating on cloud feeling, the falling off a cliff feeling... the beginning, middle and end of love... if it's the right kind of love, there won't be an end though.


Young Love:

Ever since I was a little girl I've like boys. My first crush was Lars in Peach Avenue Preschool. The day I was mortified by him watching my butterfly skirt fall down is the day I realized boys would affect me forever. 

Young IN Love:

I went in and out of crushes. I said the most important three words you can hear before I was ready or even knew how to describe the feelings I had. And then I met this shy boy when I was about to turn sixteen. He was my first kiss and my first love. We did everything together, we shared every secret and got to know each other amazingly.

Love is such a powerful feeling. I know that I was in love. It's not something you can necessarily describe to someone else, it's something you have to feel. Love is more powerful than having interest in something, it's more than gifts and dates (I know that because it surely wasn't the basis of our relationship). It makes you just drive home with nothing but a smile on your face, feeling beautiful and happy when you smell like a dump truck and look like the contents in it. Love is a strong emotion. Can you describe happiness without saying feeling happy? No, you can't. It just exists, it's real and I could feel it.

Love is laying under the stars talking about every little detail of what you want for you life, accepting each others flaws and crying on each others shoulders. Love is when all you insecurities go away and you feel free of all anxieties by the existence of a single person. Love is always wanting to be together, always wanting to be talking and laughing. Love is such an amazing, warm and wonderful feeling. 

From 500 Days of Summer: Feeling like "anything is possible, like life's worth it."

And then........reality hit. The time came when we had to separate and that was hard for me. 

In all the books and stories of your great-great grandmother, the most precious is when the first boy who stole the heart was the man they loved forever. It's such a touching thought and tickling feeling... but it's just doesn't happen that perfectly.

So because of life, our relationship ended and thus I experienced my first real heart break. 

"It's not always rainbows & butterflies..." -Maroon 5

Heart Break:

"He healeth the boken heart and bindeth up their wounds" Psalms 147:3

I did a lot of praying. I relied on a lot of friends. And I wasn't my happy self for a little bit. I learned the struggles of being alone, having no one to tell every insignificant detail to, no one to hold me in their arms. I let go of something that made me happiest. 

How you know you're going through a heart break:

+Eating a whole bag of candy in bed.

+Mascara stained pillows.

+Feeling lonely even in big crowds.

+Rebounding & then rebounding rebounds.

+Using an umbrella when it rains, because the rain suddenly does affect your happiness.

+Walking by couples holding hands and aching.

This picture just works... HAHA.

Heart BreakER:

And then I found myself. I dated. Casual dates and then of course the boys who wanted more. More than I was ready to give. I had relationships with people. But because I had been in such a comfortable relationship, such a serious commitment and lost it all. I've been resistant to anything that gets that way. The idea of having a boyfriend that wants you and holds you and takes you out and makes you feel good is flattering. But, I'm not ready to be anyone's girlfriend. I am myself now. I don't want to be controlled by anyone else. At least not these freshmen boys.

I was the type of girl who was head over heels for my boyfriend, dance parties with myself and the mirror daily, screaming out the sunroof... I felt like a walking sun ray, because I was so happy. I'm still happy, but now it's for different reasons. If I look back with a clear mind I realize that breaking up was right and timing means a lot...I'm not hanging on to that, but when I look ahead at new relationships, I'm so hesitant. I can't see myself loving any of these people. 

"The truth is... I gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart... and I never really got it back" -Sweet Home Alabama 


I will get it all back. 

You have to date your frogs before your prince comes along (Barbi Mecham), but I'm having trouble even dealing with frogs. Maybe I need toads ;)

Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love. Girl doesn't. Story of my life these days. I feel like boys have this mindset: "If I tell you I love you, can I keep you forever?" (Casper). That doesn't work with me. Tell me you love me, I've heard it before and look at me... I'm single. You have to show me, it has to be mutual feelings... it's not as simple as saying the words.

"I like being on my own. I think relationships are messy and people’s feelings get hurt. Who needs it? We’re young, we live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world; might as well have fun while we can and, save the serious stuff for later." -500 Days of Summer (Can you tell I just watched this movie) I don't like being on my own, but I'd rather be alone than in a mess.

I keep rejecting people and ending relationships, because as soon as they get going. I remember how many emotions are involved in a relationship. I think about what I want and where each one appears to be going... and none have looked like my happily ever after, so I back out before I am the reason for anyone's happiness, because I don't want to cause broken hearts and waste arguments.

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope." -He's Just Not That Into You

This is the part when I experiment & live my life. Find new fish in the sea. Be all that I can be.


"I'm just a little bit caught in the middle, life is a maze, love is a riddle..." -Lenka

Happily Ever After: TBD

I can't wait to be in love again one day, but you can't force love. This is what has happened in my life, to make me how I feel today. I will learn to love again. I will fall in love again and maybe even again and again. I will have my happily ever after. All you need is love.

"I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough." -The Notebook


That will be enough for me :)