The Honest Truth.

[Wedding talk to Kylee... then the person always turns to me]

"How are you doing Lauren? Is it gonna be weird without her??"

"Ah, no I'm fine... I'm getting used to it"

Lies. 

It hurts to even try and hide it.

Old Essay: My Inspiration

"An hour before I took my first breath of air my best friend took hers. There we were, side by side, twenty-one inches of repulsive slime emerging into the terrifying world together. Our harmony of wails filled the room as we had our first cries together. First bath and first words, we discovered how to jump, to laugh and to smile; hand-in-hand we learned how to live. 

As we sailed smoothly together through the good times and the bad, I lived for the special times. I lived for the days when we hid across the hallway from each other in closets and would anxiously wait with a jump rope to pull tightly, in order to send our six-foot-four dad face-first into the carpet and then run away, giggling uncontrollably. We would always do mischievous acts together, like secretly scribbling mom's lipstick across our faces, spraying gallons of flowery perfume on our Little Mermaid bunk beds or making trails of plastic food for the Cinderella's mouse Gus to come sing “Cinderellee, Cinderellee” with us. I live for the times when we lay on the hammock in between pine trees, read cheesy love books and hum songs, when we would rollerblade down slightly angled roads and scream obnoxiously with the fear of falling. I live for the times when we were together. 

It makes life convenient walking through the doors of high school with someone by your side, going to sports try-outs and always having someone to pass the ball to, getting in awkward situations and having someone to back you up. Never being alone has given me the strength to make it to this point in my life. 

July ninth nineteen ninety-two was not only the birth of fraternal twins; it was the birth of sisterly bond that could never be broken. With Kylee Ann Falter, being a twin isn't just having a sister or having a best friend, it is a combination of the two that is formed into a relationship that exceeds both. We embrace the same values, the same work ethics and the same friendships. Through every decision, hardship and challenge Kylee has been there. 

Alike in many ways, we confuse most people who always challenge which “one” we are. What they do not know is we are not one, but we are two and we are separate people. It is in our differences that I receive strength and influence. While I’m spontaneous and embarrassing, Kylee is responsible and reliable. It took a long time for me to realize that in order for a relationship to work, it cannot be two identical personalities. Whether it be moms and dads, brothers and sisters or cats and kittens, a relationship will not mesh if they are the same. A friendship is when one person can provide the needs for another person, when one person can cheer up another, when one person can teach another. A friendship is like one red, five prong puzzle piece fitting together with a tie-dyed dented piece. Two pieces that are completely different, but connect so perfectly.  

When wearing matching Minnie Mouse jumpsuits and the same shoes started to get old, our styles changed and our personalities became unique. She got a different job, a different boyfriend and our saturday nights were no long always together, however, even though she is not always by my side, she’s always the influence and the support that keeps me going. She will laugh at my imperfections and accept every single part of me for what it is. 

 

While I am the “louder twin” and the “crazier twin” I can only devote this name to the “quieter one,” the shadow of confidence behind every bold decision I have made. As young girls we made the decisions to live our life different than most, with high morals and strong values. Sometimes this is hard and a person could easily cross the line, but she is the angel on my right shoulder and the strong example that I competitively strive to be like. 

Having a twin gives a the individual a special connection to someone, that cannot be found in any other bond. I do not claim to hear Kylee's thoughts or know where she is through my mind, but when she is sad, my heart goes out to her, when she is mad I have her back and when she is happy I smile. Having a twin like mine does not just give me a best friend and an extra wardrobe, it gives me someone to hold my secrets, laugh with, love with, sing with, dance with, live every day with and at the same time inspire me to be more."

 by Lauren Elise Falter 

Fast forward...


Now, she's packing up her half of the room.

I can be tough...I can put on a front and hang out with my friends all day long...

I truly I AM happy for her.
 Oh how good it would feel to be in love and be loved, 
to want to spend eternity with someone. 
...to have that comfort and protection from her true love.

I wish I was at the end of awkward first dates and heartbreaks, but I'm just at the beginning.

"Who doesn't long for someone to hold, Who knows how to love you without being told, Oh, somebody tell me why I'm on my own, If there's a soulmate for everyone" -Natasha Bedingfield

I'm mostly sad when I'm alone in this room. I go to bed lonely wake up lonely and sometimes have to fake the smile through my day. Her getting married really hits me where it hurts. I feel like I have all these friends but no best friend who I always wanna tell things to or go to things with. She's not mine anymore, she's his. 

I'm literally losing the person I've always been closest to...

Upon realizing how much my help in her wedding means to her, I've really been trying to help and ask and be a part of her life as much as I can while she's not a part of mine, but can you just see all day long I'm crying on the inside.

I'll do whatever I can to keep her happy with me... but after all is said and done, I'm gonna be the one waking up next to an empty bed, walking to class alone... pillow talking with no one. And sometimes that hurts. A lot.

Unless you have had a twin/sister/best friend all in one, you'll never understand what I'm going through, but just know... 


I'll miss you best friend. 
And remember I will always love you the same.

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." -- Annie