Cat Lady

I was typing an email back and forth to the guy who was my best friend for years and knows me better than most people. We were really, really close for years and so whenever I'm really excited about anything or sad about something he will listen and fully understand, even if he doesn't know what I'm doing everyday and isn't with me anymore. So last night I sent this venting email and it was just great to get out to someone... I told him that I didn't know what I want...that I really don't know. And he said yeah you do Lauren, you want to be a teacher don't you?

I want to be a teacher. That's definitely not where my life get's confusing. I know I'm good at that. After I'm done teaching relief society or a day at work I just have this burning feeling that makes me feel so good. Teaching is what I was meant to do. Being around Special Needs kids fills my whole heart with so much love and passion. I know that I love all my classes and my job. I know that I want that. 

What I don't know entirely is who I am I guess. I'm trying to figure myself out. I know that I'm loud and social and I love to do things for people. I love music and breaking out in random song. I love being with friends and sometimes being alone. I love to write, read, watch movies. I love painting my nails random colors, staying connecting with all my friends all the time through texting and facebook. I'm moody and want attention. I love taking pictures and bright colors. I love being with people I can be my weird self around... I love life. I love to be happy and to be a good friend. I know who I am in that aspect.

But this is where it gets tricky, I don't think I'll get married sometimes. I have this fear of people relying on me to be happy and stuff now. It's recently developed. I dated a boy for about two and a half years and when I broke up with him, I felt empty inside. He was the reason for a lot of my happiness. He is the reason I did a lot of things. And when I broke up with him, I had to find out why I should be happy on my own. I did it. I was happy because I was alive, happy to see sunshine and snow. Happy to have a car, go to Utah State, for warmth, for food... for learning. I was happy because of friends and family. I definitely found happiness. But I left one of the most important people in my life struggling inside because he relied on me for that happiness.

I see it time and time again. I like someone, I love someone, I'm amazing friends with someone and then one move I do could hurt one or make one SO happy. And I'm tired of the extremes. Relationships are what bring them. I know that I can be loved. It's not a self esteem issue. I know that there are guys out there who would love me. But as soon as I'm with someone... whether it just be a best friend or someone I really like, they start depending on me for happiness. And after I went through that pain of a heart break... I don't ever want to see someone upset and empty because of me. It hurts and I KNOW it hurts, I've been there.

I want everyone to be happy on their own and have NO control over anyone. I would love to make people happy and listen to people. But as soon as they depend on me for happiness, I get all paranoid and slowly back away. Maybe it's just who I want in a person... someone who knows who they are and are independently happy just as I am. I am just too much of a people pleaser and it ends up not pleasing people.

That is what I'm confused about wanting. Where's the balance? Of having someone close, but never letting them down... I'm not ready for marriage by any means, obviously because I'm not dating an RM... but a successful marriage seems like the only answer for avoiding heartbreak. How do you just make everyone happy in a relationship??

If you want to really help me out please comment and tell me if this is a woman or a man???? HAHAHA

I would say that I was born alone and I'll die alone. But I wasn't born alone, I really don't know how to be alone at all. My solution: Cats. :) I will be a cat lady. They will be my close friends to grow old with.

The cat lady is a joke. I will end up happy and in love with beautiful children. I'm only 18 after all... but it's just the struggles of getting to that point. The mysteries of who it will be. Do I already know him? Am I messing up the chances by being with someone else? Life will take its course. :)