UGH

I wake up happy.
I have a lot of happy energy during the day.
And I haven't cried since my most recent discouraging event.
Be proud of me for that one... I'm a cry baby!!!
However, as soon as the sun has gone down these last couple nights...
I get pretty sad inside.

I was so happy for a while there.
And hopeful.
And when things weren't smoothing out...
I still help on with that hope.

Why?
Because I've been waiting so DANG long for something to work out.
And yet again it didn't.
People have waited longer sure,
But... they didn't want it as bad as me.

I'm trying to do what I can.
But there's only so much you can do.
The rest you just have to be patient for.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about where "he is."
I'm independent.
I don't need a man.
I have got it mostly together, a little coo-koo.
But I want to be in love, dangit.

I'm sad because I miss it.
I'm sad because I have to start over.
And I'm sad because time after time,
I feel like it starts to reflect something in me I must change.

<3

We're in such an awkward phase of life.
We don't belong at home anymore.

I pay all my bills, I cook and clean for myself, I'm in college, I'm deciding everything for myself, I'm learning how to deal with problems in a mature way, I have two jobs, I pay taxes, I'm independent, I'm a Utah resident, I drive myself, clean myself, nurse myself back to health...

I'm growing the heck up.

But at the same time I don't belong to anyone.
I'm completely independent.

When I have a boyfriend or a husband,
I'll have someone who I kinda belong to again.
Someone who will care about what I do...

Right now.
It's to the point where no one really cares.
No one is going to ask and worry every day about how my day went.
No one is going to focus on what I need help with or how I'm feeling.

That's okay... but I mean... it's just that awkward transition.

We're out here, on our own, doing our own thing.
Our families will check-in.
Our friends will do their part.
But we don't belong to anyone.
We don't have a real place.

I love college.
I love the single living.
And meeting people.
And being involved.
And working.
And classes.
And best buddies.
And out of state recruitment.
I love roommate sunday dinners.
And talks in the singles ward.

But I am ready to belong to someone again.
And by ready, I don't just mean I want it.
I mean I really have learned a lot about myself.
And I know what I want.
I know who I want to be.
And I know who I want.

So where is he??? ... Cuz I'm not settling for anything.
This is the rest of my life we're talking.
It's discouraging to hunt.
But it'll be so worth it!!!

Every day I think about it.
And when the sun goes down,
I just think another day has gone by.

Another sun has set.
More lessons have been learned.
I've hopefully progressed a little more.
Just waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.

Pep-Talks.


I was talking to the only guy I've been close to who has never ever let me down. He's never been a jerk because something wasn't working out for him. He's genuine. He's there no matter what, he's never bailed, he's never left me, even when things didn't work out a way he'd want. He always always calls me beautiful. He makes me feel special. He's around just to be the guy I need him to be, and I know it's not fair. I love this guy! He's the person I talk to about everything and the one guy in my entire life who has seen ever single side of me (excluding family). He is my most true and uplifting guy friend. Chauncy-Chaunce Harrison.

And I told him how I was feeling. And time and time again, he'll tell me... I'm not the problem. And time and time again I'll run to him sad. But I can't even tell you how much opening up to someone who cares about you can help you keep your self esteem up. If I didn't have Chauncy in my life, I'd be gothic and emo by now. He seriously is just someone I couldn't live my life without.