Liberating

There's so many different directions I could go with this blog.

I started my day a little bit out of my element to begin with.

It was one of those mornings that Kylee had to yell "LAUREN!!!" 

in her nasally morning voice... that sounds kinda like "mehhgg"

I can't even describe it. But I have heard it more than once. Sorry Ky!

All because my alarm had been going off for seven minutes.

(Last time is was 22).

Didn't really bother with my hair and def not the make-up...

But I invented a wonderful breakfast.

Graham crackers + Peanut Butter ... dipped in milk. 

Oh my, DE-LISH!

Work was so fun today!

I was overly joyed to be there.

Playing froggy and horsey through the halls of the building.

I love my job.

And I love that kid.

And the whole time... this whole week... every other minute

I've spent stressing in the back of my mind.

What to say? It will change...

What if? Well I'll give it time?

Should I say something? When?

Bottom-line. 

______________________________________

Today was the day that was going to change.

I'm a mental case just thinking about everything. It was overflowing my feelings. I have so much to say. So much I want to change.

Needless to say, I wasn't happy. 

So, I said something.

He's busy. I'm busy. But I make time for the people I want in my life. Friends, neighbors, family... heck I make time for my best buddy. No one is so busy that that could even be an excuse. If school is more important and work is more important than the relationships in our ife... then we're not living for the right reasons. I learned that one from my Grandpa Belnap "Never let school interfere with your education."

Well [Insert Name] you had me.

But you didn't even realize what you had bud.

It will never be right with anyone until they realize who I am.

And makes me feel important and makes me feel beautiful.

I never, ever felt beautiful because of him.

Red flag.

Now, I don't need someone to focus every second on me.

But I do need someone, friend, boss, teacher, boyfriend, brother, sister, mother... to recognize that I have feelings, fulfill their own promises and treat me like I'm worth something.

The professor of my job cares more about me.

My old advisor cares more.

My roommates, family... friends care way more.

Guys who meet when when I look like a GUY care more.

Red flag.

It's emotionally abusing to be in a relationship that's one sided.

Period. 

If I'm expecting more than I'm going to get it, it's emotionally abusing.

If I'm not appreciated even as a friend... 

If someone won't make time in their day for me to even say hi,

but they can tell you while you're kissing them that they're going to...????

Empty kisses? Yeah that's what i mean by that one.

And then you're left waiting EVERY single day for something to change.

THEN GET THE HECK OUT!!!

The only thing that's going to change is what's controlled by YOU!!!! 

DUH, LAUREN, DUH!!!

Every bad relationship is a lesson learned.

And will give me even greater appreciation for the man I'll love.

Every relationship I can also find good in.

I've just learned a lot more about what I want.

And instead of crying this time, or asking him back again a week later...

Instead of feeling sad and not over it.

I knelt to my Lord and THANKED him because I feel liberated.

Last time, I cried for like an hour.
Yeah it had been a month or 6 weeks.
It was a GOOD month, okay?
I got my hopes too high.

I was so upset.

Took days to be legitimately happy.

Liz's Dave made me a cake with my roommates. <3

I knew that I hadn't learned enough from him yet.

This time, Dave walked in...

and I was jumping on the couch!!!

Dave I'm single... AGAIN! 

Twice in two weeks!
But this time, I had a smile :)

I'd rather be lonely,

than with someone and miserable!!!

The good news is I know that even if I didn't have the AMAZING friends and roommates and best friend Kylee... and family... that I'd always always have one person who knows me and loves me, my Savior.

The worst part is, 

I don't think he ever considered us as being together.

So, wow, this is just another stupid moment to write in the books.

Girls and boys who are with me... 

It might be scary to let go.

But as soon as you do you'll fly.

It's liberating.