It All Happens For A Reason

It's been a couple weeks now, that the "relationship" I thought I was in had been spiraling downwards. I saw it coming. I'd been letting my little heart vent to Kylee Geisler and Chaunce for weeks. It happens every time, so it was definitely expected. Just this time... I had even more hope that the guy wouldn't be a total loser and if he wasn't, that he would feel the same way about me that I felt about him. 

About a week and a half ago... 

"I think I have my hopes too high…"

"Well why not get them high? You are seriously perfect I don't know why anyone would not wanna be with you . And if he doesn't than he's obviously not worth being sad over"

Well once again, I failed. I'm doing something wrong. And not only that I'm not the person I need to be yet to be expecting that kind of blessing to come into my life yet. As soon as I'm the person that "he" - whoever the heck he is - would want me to be, that's when I'm going to find this amazing man. 

I'm not looking for anything out of the ordinary. Really I'm just looking to fall in love. Fall in love with someone who makes me feel special, has the same overall goal in mind and is willing to work hard through every situation. 

I thought maybe, just maybe, my time had come to have this wonderful boyfriend. I have not just been kissing around and being a little mongrel, I've seriously taken time to prepare this summer. I dated so many people, and I didn't compromise my standards for one. When someone finally did come along who I wanted to take a chance on. I did. 

And where does that leave me? 

In the back row of US Institutions crying. 

I just need a minute to be sad, is all.

And then I'll go back to being happy, as always.

The ultimate goal is marriage. The goal right now… keep a relationship going for goodness sake. I'm sorry I'm failing as a daughter… and girl on this earth right now… but I am trying to do the right things in every way… and every time... nope, I just get this disappointing, sinking and depressing feeling sink into my heart, adding just another handful of insecurities. 

The beauty of it is that life does go on. 

No matter how sad I feel right now, I know that Heavenly Father has a great purpose for me and that everything happens for a reason.

I wonder every day what Heavenly Father is teaching me by throwing all this boy trouble my way. I have stalkers, creepers, laxative brownies, I find someone who I admire so great… and then he's swept from my life and the weirdos are still here. I chuckle bitterly at that thought that when I look back on this one day… I might just see that He has a sense of humor… Cruel joke!

It seems silly to even get out of bed to get ready the next day. I already had no motivation for classes or work and now, I'm just struggling in all aspects. Why do I keep trying… if all I'm going to do is fail. I set myself up for disappointment, just by trying to be myself, trying to follow my heart, trying to date and put myself out there. 

And yet, I will try again.

It's just getting me closer and closer to the best thing.

My heart was messed with, along with my mind. When someone acts one way, talks another and changes the very next second... it left me a mess. I am completely happy and independently stable. I don't need a guy to make me happy. I'm ready for a guy to make me happy. But I DO NOT NEED IT. So when I am messed with and confused and struggling.... it's just not a pretty sight.

I was pretty emotional last night. I went from depression, to hysterical laughing and shower singing and then to bed with a smile on my face. 

I listened to a conference talk and know that my testimony and hope and faith and understanding that the Lord is my Savior will bring my SO much happiness. And then I read my patriarchal blessing. No matter how sad I can feel over one thing, I know that up to this point my life has been AMAZING. I know that tomorrow my day will be fabulous. I know that every morning I will be happy. And the promises in there, keeping the eternal perspective in mine will be fulfilled and I will live one incredible life.