Fearful

Look around yourself, walk through a crowd, look at your classmates, watch the next person come through the door... everyone is an individual. 

Everyone has a story. 

Just as we see what's happening to us, the relationships we have and the events that happen... they have theirs too... and him and her and them... 

It's amazing how many individual stories are intertwined and tangled. How we all have different things happening to us, but we can all relate to different stories in different ways. 

I look at my best friend who is getting over a break up.

I look at my best friend who is choosing a different boy over her missionary.

I look at my best friend who has family concerns.

I look at my friend who has to tell a guy she doesn't like him.

I look at my best friend who doesn't know who is the one... none???

I look at my best friend who is getting blown off, but still will do anything for a girl.

I look at my friend who can't figure out who he is.

I look at my friend who needs reassurance that it's all going to be okay.

I look at my friends who see the positive.

I look at my friends who see the negative.

Everyone is different.

"Everyone's got a time in their life when everything hurts and nothings right, but you gotta walk on, everybody's got a piece of their heart, that's been stepped on and torn apart, but you gotta be strong, yeah you gotta walk on. ... I know things are gonna get better" -David Archuleta

I want to be there for each person. And I want to understand their pains, even when there's no possible way. And sometimes I'd just be happy to be their shoulder to cry on, if it would help them feel better. All my girl friends and best friends, I would just love to share their burdens and help them through it.

There is one particular case though. That I see how someone is confused, lost... doesn't know what he wants maybe...? but I'm trying to be understanding of it at the expense of my own happiness. I guess since I have a distant hope of success in this, that's how it's going to have to be. Take the chance that I'm going to get hurt, because it could work... and it could be something you'd never want to live without. We all hear the love stories that are like that... UGH!

I want to understand you! I do! I want to help you, be here for you. Whatever, you need. I want you, honestly. But sometimes I just want you to look at me... sometimes I just want you to consider how I feel. How even though you're struggling through personal things, that you're dragging me the heck down... and all you have to do is say, no. Stop saying yes, and say no to me. If that's what you want. Just think about what you want... and tell me. And think about how what you do affects me.

That's selfish though. 

I don't want to ever expect that from someone.

I just want someone who cares for me enough to do that on their own.

I have friends who do that for now.

And I want to do the same for everyone.

I try to. And most times I do.

If I take a big step back, I'll see both sides.

I'll notice how they feel too.

Right now I feel like I'm playing poker... but I'm not so sure that I'll go all in, just one chip at a time. And sometimes I just wish I could take a couple chips back. I'm uneasy, unsure... and I am not having enough faith to rid the fear. The fear is there.

I can't sleep at night for hours. Because I just start scaring myself... thinking to myself. What if??? Why????? I just replay the fear, replay the hope. And I wake up no where new. Just more confused.

And as uneasy and scared I am, wanting to say something, but walking on egg shells... I just have to keep my head up and take life as it comes. Take these challenges to build my testimony and strengthen my faith. 

"You can't have a positive life, with a negative mind"

It's in Gods hands. And I pray and pray, but everyday there's more to ask... more to think about... more that I have to consider.