Let It Out

When I was a kid. Nighttime was haunting. I was young and scared and really thinking about some pretty heavy stuff as I tried to fight those thoughts and just drift off to sleep. I'd toss and turn, I'd trace the dots on the wall and listen to the creepy and eery lullabies that my mother put in the CD player (thanks Mom!). 

Those songs actually made me think "what if my parents died," they made me think of what I would do without my mom. They made me think of car accidents, kittens dying, someone breaking in my house, a burglar man in my closet... wow psycho child, I about cried myself to sleep every night. Sometimes these lullabies come on shuffle and my heart starts pounding just as if I was watching a scary movie... or in a forest in the middle of no where by myself. 

Every night I'd wait as long as I could and then I'd slowly creep into my parents room and snuggle into the rough carpet. If I hit a spot where the floor creaked, it'd wake up my mom and I'd say "I had a bad dream." And that would allow me my favorite little spot close enough to see the safety of my parents in my life.

What I didn't say every night is that I didn't have a scary dream. I had a stomach ache and a terrifying feeling that the world was ending that night. I was too young to realize an eternal perspective or fulfilling a greater purpose. All I know is that death was terrifying... and being in the presence of my parents made those scary thoughts disappear.

I hid my feelings by saying, "I had a bad dream." I hid my feelings period. In high school when me and my boyfriend were in a fight, did I tell anyone? No. When I felt like I was terrible at something, when I felt such deep frustration with someone? Did I voice it? No. I held it in. I held in every feeling. I didn't tell my mom every detail as Kylee would, I wouldn't tell Kylee... I just held it all in.

And then one day... I let it all out. I decided that I couldn't do it anymore. I didn't want to tell people, because half the time I knew I was WRONG. And if I told them, they'd let me know that. They'd let me know that I shouldn't be in that relationship. But I wanted it. They'd let me know that I shouldn't think that way about a person, but it was too hard to change it. 

God puts people in my life to help me. Not to hold it in. I'm not here just to party hard with my friends. They are here to coach me and direct me through life.

When I started my blog a year ago. I started to let it all out. 

It's not about doing what everyone else is doing anymore.

It's about who I am, where I'm going and HOW I'm going to make that happen.

Well folks, I'm Lauren Elise Falter.

I originate in Olympia, WA.

I have a twin sister who got married on March 12, 2011.

That was the hardest year of my life.

My life-long best friend is now living her happily ever after.

When I was 18 years old I moved to Logan, UT.

After a year I gained residency.

And absolutely love Utah State University.

I have pride in my school. Too much probably.

I grew up with an amazing boy. 

He has Down syndrome and his name is Bryden.

My uncle Bryden is my inspiration...

My major is Special Education.

I work at an autistic preschool and regular preschool.

I say things, do things and wear things that others don't.

I am weird.

I know that.

And I don't look at it negatively. 

 I am myself. 

And shame on anyone who tries to make anyone someone they aren't.

I don't do well with criticism. 

I am a hopeless romantic.

I dream up love stories for my life.

When I sit outside, I just appreciate the life I have.

I think rocks are beautiful.

I think trees are beautiful.

Mountains, roads, grass... beautiful.

I have an appreciation for art in all forms.

I love music. 

I love colors.

I love expression.

And I love to write.

I love how words can paint a picture or vividly describe feelable feelings. Read a poem, a lyric, a sentence... and you can feel the burning passion, sorrow, love, anger... emotion straight from the heart.

This is where I'm going.

I want a family.

More than anything.

I want to wake up next to the love of my life every morning.

I want to cook for him. 

I want to surprise him. 

I want to dress up for him.

I want to pray with him and learn with him.

I just want him.

I want a baby.. or two or three or four.

I want a kitchen.

I want a giant bed.

I want someone to love.

I want to travel to South America or Africa.

I want to work in an orphanage.

I want to change lives.

I want to have my own preschool.

I want to impact special needs kids lives and their families' in my home.

I want to get married in the temple.

I want to forever love Jesus Christ.

The Lord is my motivation.

He is my light, my life, the reason I know love.

He is my guide.

He is the reason I have everything that I do have.

My feelings aren't meant to be hidden or masked by some excuse "I had a bad dream." Nope, you can't wake up your roommate to tell them that. I had my feelings in other ways, when I'm mad at a boy... I do a lot of dishes. When I'm frustrated or let down, I'll just strum my guitar. But unlike the little girl that I was, I'm going to tell it how it is. I'm going to dramatize my life. I'm going to cry. I'm going to complain. I'm going to express happiness and excitement. I will just let it all out.