Free Woman

You know when you have a crush on someone... and you just want to text them every time you're bored, you want to have them be at any fun thing you have planned, what you wear that day might depend on that special little chap.

And then you spend a couple days... to months... to years... worrying about just that person. (If it's years HOPEFULLY it has become more than a simple crush.) If I do my hair that day depends on what cute guy I might see, if I'm excited for a date depends on that one guy... if you get nervous maybe. 

And then one crush in, one crush out.

They aren't who you thought they were. They're maybe a little awkward. They want you as just a booty call. You're second best to them. You don't deserve them. You can't force feelings. Nothing is there. And boom. Crushless.

Then the next guys goes around, I'll call him plan B. You were way stoked on the first guy, but had your sneaky little eye on another, knowing the first wouldn't work. Then same thing happens, onto plan C.

Well my friends, this summer has consisted of A, B and C. You just can't force what's not there, right? And I totally understand that, and start to see after the fact why things just don't work how you want them to in the moment. 

Now I'm not onto a next plan. I am crush free. I am a FREEEE WOMAN. And I  celebrate this because every single crush I've had... is a let down, a disappointment a way of getting my hopes up high, throwing them down, stomping on them and tearing them up into a million pieces. 

Couple of great dates... life's good... then NOTHING changes. Ever. I thought I'd have a guy by Valentine's day... my birthday... for fourth of July fireworks... a summer lover. And nope, it's not going to happen.

But finally, I'm not sitting here dwelling on Mr. A, Mr. B., Mr. C, Mr. D., or Mr. E. (ect.) My feelings, emotions and happiness are tied to NO ONE. 

Boys are just so difficult. And finally... I feel unchained from disappointment. I know when fall rolls around... I'll be back in the same boat of rejection and disappointment. I know something could change in a day. But the break, the little breath of air in between... doesn't it feel good? :)

---

Also I love my friends. I love Kylee. And all of my guy friends. I love making things awkward, but not feeling awkward. I love being silly and happy. I love friend's birthdays. I love James and Jaron. I love Jake and how he would be there for me anytime anywhere. I love Chaunce, the greatest self-esteem booster of all time. I love my sister Kylee, and hates to Luke the delieverer of my online shopping. I love Thomas... I could scream that from the rooftop everyday. I love Jason and talks of frames and interior design.

---

One day... the man of my dreams will sweep me off my feet. One day a guy will love me. One day a guy will leave my little surprises and kiss my on my forehead. One day I will be head over heals in love.... and that day is not today. Day in and day out there will be break-ups, heartbreaks and tears to be shed. From each I will learn something... and from each I will grow.

One day, my fairytale will come true. But in order to get there, we will be enjoying a lot more Notebook, pan of brownies type of nights. :)

Is life AWESOME? You betcha.