Not My Will

As soon as the door shut my eyes welled up in tears. I knew his intentions were honest and right, I did the same thing to the love of my life just under a year ago. But for once in a long time I was starting to feel like more than a doll or convenient hook-up for someone... meaning they put the same amount of effort that I did to starting up a spark. I was starting to feel the meaning and feelings behind actions. It's not that I think he's wrong, I know he's right... It's just that I thought that one of these days I'd be right, that I would invest feelings into someone who can't just walk away from mine. 

I have been played hard this semester and didn't cry, not once, it definitely warded of some self-esteem and confidence, but I just need a couple days to re-charge when that happens...I just toughed it out and tried to keep my head up even when I felt like my two hands were holding it up. But enough is enough and that was the final straw. I am officially discouraged.

 Trials and heartaches, makes my heartache for home.

Somedays just don't live up to your expectations. Some situations I guess is more accurate, things you work at for days and just don't pan out the way you had planned. For example, you wouldn't expect to have to clean a poop-smeared child twice in a week, but sometimes they have a different schedule than you'd like... and I still love the kid anyway. For example, you just want the classes you need to register, but no... HELLO wait list.

After I got sad, the first thing that went through my head is to read my scriptures. I have never been good about it... and normally I'd think to call a friend, eat ice cream or just keep crying. But no, I untucked from the pile of blankets and opened my scriptures.

I just turned to the first page that fell open and it was marked by a picture of my brother. My brother Austin is so amazing. I love him so much. Just seeing his face, remembering his humor and his love for me made me feel better already. 

Then I saw this scripture Ephesians 5:17 

"Wherefore be ye not unwise but understand what the will of the Lord is."

What I think I want for my life is obviously not working. I'm being unwise. I need to be patient and realize the will of the Lord. Knowing that there is a higher power watching over and guiding me, gives me faith in my future and hope.

Also, I have amazing friends who will listen and watch out for me. Without them I don't know where I'd be. Jake Parkinson definitely made my day today. All I had to do was tell my sob story and he surprises me within a half an hour with flowers on my car and a ride to class. He's a guy who gives me hope for guys too, I've had the worst luck in that department. Guess what? There are guys out there who do care about me, my amazing friends show me what I deserve. I just need to keep being patient and listen for the Lord to guide me.