It took months of worrying about little things. Months of feeling insecure. Months of focusing on heart break and separation from what I loved. Months of being sad and feeling lonely...to finally realize who I am. Things would go right one day and the next I'd have something to tear up about. I had to shatter my heart, kiss total jerks, like boys who wouldn't look twice at me... to break down my insecurities... and then in time build them back up with fuller confidence.
Coming to Utah State nine hundred miles from home was one of the best decision I have made up to this point in my life. Leaving my family and friends, branching out and starting fresh. It has been a challenge, it has caused heart ache... but it has helped me grow up to show my true colors outside my comfort zone and decide how I'm going to live my own life for myself.
I was in love and I walked away. Not because I found a replacement, not because I found someone better, but because I saw that there was more. There was more to experience. Different people to relate to. Different people to learn from. Different people to discover my weaknesses and strengths from. I didn't walk away because my feelings weren't legitimate, I walked away to find myself and it was the hardest thing I've ever done.
My family is probably the greatest on this earth and I left them fourteen hours away. Not because I don't love them, but because I saw that there was more. There was more to experience. Different people to relate to and rely on. Different people to discover my weaknesses and strengths from. I didn't leave home because my family wasn't important to me, I left and it was one of the hardest things I've done.
Leaving my five year old sister, cuddly little brother, angel little brother, peace-making sister and incredible parents... leaving my best friend... leaving my home ward, my trees, my giant backyard... it's not because I didn't love that. It's because there is more. There's so much more, even still.
Coming here was hard. The ONE person I knew here got engaged in two months. I had to make all new friends. I had to decide who I was going to be for these people. I have made mistakes. I have been really stupid. But through it all I've learned to say no when I want to. I've learned to express my feelings differently. I've learned to talk things through and think a little. I've learned to deal with rejection.
I say this all because after everything I think I've lost and missed out on over these months... I've come to realize that is exactly what I should be counting in my blessings. The fact that I left my first love and first best friends, the fact that I left my family and left my comfort zone. I am so thankful for my trials, because without them... I wouldn't be who I am.
I am incredibly happy with my life. Everywhere I go I can wave to handfuls of people. I was able to get the classes I've wanted, the jobs I've wanted. I have friends that fit my personality better than my reflection in the mirror. I don't remember the last time I cried... (and I'm a sensitive person). Life is ABSOLUTELY amazing. And I wouldn't take it any other way.
Ever since spring break... I've been off the chains of sadness that had me bound. They weren't there everyday but they always crept in on my happy heart. Well today, yesterday, last week... and so on... my heart has been full, my party-life has been turned on, my homework has gotten better grades and I have no desire to skip work even after four hours of sleep.
Heavenly Father knows who to put in my life and when. Heavenly Father hears and answers my prayers. Heavenly Father is definitely looking out.
Lauren i LOVE reading your blog! you write about things that are relevant in a lot of ways to a lot of girls' lives, and the way you react to your struggles are such good examples! :) The advice you've given and stories you've told have helped and inspired me so much. you are awesome!
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