The Same Changes

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This is how my blog started out because there is so much emotion going on. I am confused, sad, worried. I am sorry. I am angry. I am defensive, I am hurt. And I am just d;alfskafjsd.

To the people I let down day after day, I'm sorry. I wish I was the person you make me out to be, because then I truly would be perfect and I wouldn't have to feel like such a failure to your expectations.I truly mean every word I say about the people you are inside and you. You have beautiful souls and the sweetest intentions with every action you make. I really wonder why the case is "nice guys finish last" because it shouldn't be like that. I wish that feelings and relationships were more controllable than a gut feelings and butterflies in the stomach. There are truly some amazing people in my life who would make great boyfriends, fathers and husbands; but I know that things don't work out one way or another now, because greater things are in store later.

To the jerks I let into my life. I'm sorry that I let my guard down. And I'm sorry that I was naive. If I would've known about you before, I wouldn't have wasted my breath on you. The only reason I don't regret you, is because I learned from you. Now, please stop coming back into my life.

Does it pleasure you to make people cry? To ruin people's trust? To take my shoes???

It sucks, because I have met so many amazing guys and girls since I've been to college. And some of the only people I let really get to know me... and hold me and perhaps kiss me or call me; the people I spent some of the longest days with... They are the ones I'd like to now have nothing to do with., the shallow guys, the pigs... the ones who only care about me when they're getting something in return. The second I leave, the second I turn my back... all the trust is vanished. I have learned to trade the night alone in my room for the night surrounded by scum.

 I really cannot believe how immature people are. I can't. It's impossible to grasp. Luckily there are those who aren't. But the ones who are... grow up. This is college not high school. Let's not be dumb little boys, steal things, make up stories and gossip like middle school girls.

After all that's happened this year (i.e. moving from my best friend, breaking up with the love of my life thus far, leaving my family, my sister getting engaged, unofficially dating complete JERKS and getting close to people who decide it's to hard to be just my friend...), I just feel like there's no place I can always say that I belong. 

Just when I get comfortable and happy, something has to happen... feelings shift and here I am quite the opposite of the day previous. The endless roller coaster of life.