Hidden By Daylight

Darkness fills the pockets of lights, 

Every worry, doubt and insecurity comes washing through my mind, 

I turn over to the empty bed next to the empty dresser,

My empty heart is filled with the pain of loneliness, 

There's no pillow talk when yours is the only pillow,

With the abrupt morning alarm clock,

My fearless heart will walk another day,

My crooked smile will sparkle against clouds of gray,

My voice will carry secrets, stories and news,

My arms will welcome hugs, smelling flowers and perfumes,

Butterflies, flowers, hearts and stars,

The brightness of day covers my scars,

But right now, my thoughts haunt my happiness as I lay in my bed,

Sobs harmonize with the heater's hum,

Loneliness washes over the thumping pound of my chest,

And as the sheep in my mind jump over and over the moon,

I gently sink into my comforting pillow and close my eyes,

Alas, another bedtime.

This is the first poem I've ever really written. Roses are red violets are blue is more my thing... I like it when words rhyme. Last night and today I just felt like breaking down my feelings differently for this blog. Some of it is true now, some of is true some days and not the others, but in a week and a half this is how I imagine most of my nights going... my worst fears and sorrows are hidden by the daylight. Or maybe just even seeming non-existent in the daylight.


Do you ever feel like that? 


You're completely happy during the day. Then when the mask of make-up and cute outfit comes off, you just lay in your bed turning over thought after thought and feeling loneliness, paranoia, depression and worry sink in?


It always happens before the first day of school. It always happened when I was a little kid, I'd listen to these lullabies that were creepy and would cry myself to sleep thinking about my mom dying. Don't EVER listen to that playlist, I swear.


 It's not just because it's the end of the day though, sometimes I go to bed with the biggest smile on my face. It's just the events in your life that make you feel sad. You can forget about it while you're out living and loving, but when you're alone and those events are in season, they haunt your leaving conscious mind.


When I'm just about to go to sleep and I'm overwhelmed with sadness, I break down. I can't handle it. Either I cry or I try to avoid my own heart break by texting someone something funny that I remember or staying up so long distracting myself with facebook that I instantly fall asleep when the time is right.


I had similar feelings when I first got to college. (The dreadful break-up days). Then college life rocked my world. Sometimes I'll have a rough night because I seem to attract JERKS. But most nights are filled with adventure and a story to laugh about. ...And now life as I've known if for eighteen and a half years will be forever changed. 

I will have my best friend still. And I will have plenty more amazing people in my life who I love and receive so much strength from. But I'm in for one of the biggest changes of my life. And sometimes my way of hiding it is laughing about it, sometimes my way of hiding it is saying a rude thing that I don't mean, and sometimes there's no hope in hiding it.

Road trip to college.

It's not that I can't call her up. It's not that I can't tell her everything. It's that we were living our lives together and now we are living two separate lives. I used to be front row cheerer WITH Kylee. I used to go to parties decked out WITH Kylee. I used to go shopping, dancing, Oly karaoking... all the crazy, adventurous sun-roof screaming nights WITH Kylee. And she can't live that scene with me anymore. I'm adjusting. But it really really really really really is hard. WITH Kylee on those awkward outings, the interesting parties, the groups of new people... I felt comfortable.


Heavenly Father knows how much I can handle, so obviously it will all be okay. I just keep praying and smiling, walking with my head high and hopeful expectations. I will learn a lot about myself and life... but sometimes I am weak.