Discouragement.

I hate to be negative. But I'm not gonna be fake either. This blog is pretty real to my feelings... Here we go.

Look at the mess in the mirror. Feel ugly. Feel insecure. Too fat in some parts, skinny in others, weak, sore, messy... you take it step by step. Cover the face with powders and liquids and bronzers, who knows what shade is underneath? Extend the eyelashes, cover the lids. Make the cheek bones reappear. Outline the eye with liner. Change your outfit fifty times. Curl or straighten each piece of hair.

And now, now you can confidently take a step into the world... that's what the world tells me. That's what shallow boys tell me and that's what seeing every other girl shows me.

I can walk out just fine without make up in my yoga pants. But am I confident that any guy will notice me? Nope.

That's what the world is kind of like. And so I get ready. Getting ready is really fun for me actually, not so much at 6:30 in the morning... but still I like to feel good about myself. But then day after day... you spend all that time... and still nothing...

Sometimes it's easy to get discouraged.

When you get ready and feel beautiful... for nothing. Meet no one, see no one... not noticed by even the kid you are dancing in circles around. When you get your hopes up and they crash. When you're really excited about seeing someone... and they aren't excited to see you... also AWKWARD. When you try as hard as you can to get dates, or like people, be the kind of girl someone could like... and then no one does. day after day.... after day. When people say... oh you could date him... (some freaking weirdo)... it's not that I can't get a date... or a kiss... I could. It's that I am not settling for that... 

It's so hard. Because as much as I could just accept an easy kiss, I want it to mean something. And no one wants it to mean something with me. And that my friends... is discouraging too.

My life is awesome. But how could I even tell if some parts weren't discouraging... 

The problem is it's always AWESOME in the friend area, church area, school area... but then it's NEVER EVER EVER awesome in the guy area. 

Justin Bieber sing it... I JUST NEED SOMEDAY TO LOOOOOO-OOO-OVEEE!

Yeah, yeah... I'm fine without. But it's getting kind of lame to have more fun getting READY for events with these girls I love... than actually being at the events.