Whoever said you need a guy in your life to make you happy??
They make me nothing but miserable.
Here's the deal. Flat out truth. I don't know what I'm doing. Don't know where I'm going. I have NO idea what's in store for me. I'm just a person, like you, like him, like her... and there's no way in heck I can get anywhere close to perfect. There's no way in heck I can please everyone. And I promise you, if you hate me for something, I'll hate myself for it even more. I beat myself up on the inside everyday about the things I do wrong.
I am wrong. Most of the time, really. Some people make me really aware of that. And some people just let me do my thing. I could have the biggest smile on my face, but my insides are constantly twisted in knots and wanting to do better, to BE better.
Sometimes I say "I want a boy friend by thanksgiving," just in a joking way want a place to feel welcomed whilst being so far from home, ya know? Sometimes I long for that summer love. After love movies my heart aches for their happily ever after. I just want a kiss that means something. A hug that feels like more than arms around your shoulders.
Sometimes I think something good is here... and I'm over it by friday. One time this summer, I did like someone... and it was for more than a two week period... all summer long really. Each time more and more and more. Almost every guy I've liked at one point this year... has talking to me about their ex girlfriends, current girlfriends or wanna be girlfriends. If this was twitter, the hashtags would be #gaybestfriend and #friendzone. I'm freaking over it. But, I obvously still need to learn better patience or something. Timing, ahhhh yeah, it's life. Sometimes what you want, isn't part of His plan. Deal.
You can't force feelings. You can't just wake up in your fairytale.
I do want it. I do, but not just to go through the motions with anybody who comes along. I want to fall head over heels and completely in love. It's about timing, communication, trust and attraction.
It's the terrible dates, the awkward rejections, the embarrassing moments and waterproof mascara that is going to make my fairytale FEEL like a happily ever after.
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This was triggered by a stupid conversation.
And to you... I can't force my feelings. I put everything out on the table. I told the honest truth. I sometimes don't like myself. And I'm not here to please you. I told you how hard I've worked to get to the point I am at. I'm not here to mess around and be a piece of meat anymore. And I haven't. I haven't fallen for schmoozing sickening crap for months. I know I have a purpose on this earth. And I will find it. I know that there are greater things for me to focus my attention on. I know that I am worthy of being loved, because Jesus Christ loves me. As lonely as some nights can be, I feel more lonely when I tell you everything and you are too wrapped up in your feelings to even consider mine. I've come a long way from last year. And the year before. I had amazing years of my life prior to this one. However, each day is an improvement, each day is a progression toward goals, and in mind keeping the eternal perspective. I'm not living in the past, I'm living in the day, with my future in mind.
Don't waste your time trying to fight it. It's over. Has been. Still is. And there's nothing changing that anytime soon. I am happy. I am content. I am confident. And the person that has to do with is my Savior.
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I have no regrets. Why? Because although I've had embarrassing mistakes and horrific behvaior, I have learned from every single instance where I have messed up. I have learned that I will be forgiven, that I will still be loved and that I CAN DO HARD THINGS. Biggest things I learned thus far about relationships... is if you don't love yourself, you can't love someone else. Insecurity causes jealousy and hate and control.... and that drowns the love.
The only way you can ever be happy with someone,
is if you can be happy without them.
Don't rely on someone else for your happiness.
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